my love
oh sweet sense of delight
pervading my being
colouring all the world
as young and fresh
seeing strangers beauty
lit like lamps
alive inside my skin
fire in my blood
I feel wide and edgeless
afloat within myself
and I wonder at the truth
that all this sense is mine
ignited in recognition
enjoyed
I love you. What do we mean when we say “I love you”?
For the greater part of my life, I’d mislabelled the feeling of need as love, and being in love was a state of need. When I said I love you, what I meant is I need you.
Now I’ve understood. It’s not that, my child taught me, it can’t be that. I discovered a feeling in my chest something powerful like the desire to breath. A surge of something tangible but not. Watching her eyes discover the world and realising that feeling in me was for her, sparked by her, but not dependent in any way on her.
And so, I found love.
Found my feelings could be felt, non could be bigger than me – as the creator of them. And that they were never ‘caused’ outside of myself, but a fascinating reflection of the meanings I’d learned.
So, I stopped living in fear and started to celebrate life, unafraid to love. To recognise that which is the fuel in me, in the eyes of others is like living in a world of friends.
Then undaunted to allow myself to fall in love completely, to allow it to light me up, even unrequited. Culturally there is much shame in unrequited love, but if we are merely allowing another to ignite a light within us, why would be need reciprocity? Or action?
I say love. Just love.
Fuck the consequences. Be brave and show your love. Own it. Need nothing in return and just allow it to lift you.
And in celebrating love, I am celebrating loss too. A friend of mine is dying. That is why I wanted to write this. Because what is it to love someone who is dying? The same as any love. It is an open heart, presence and holding their gaze.
It is not fixing.
It is not needing.
It is not dependent.
It is gentle.
It is powerful.
It is boundless.
Robyn Tyers | Life alchemist mentor